TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of spot. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Of course, certain, let's have another position the place American Males can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: supply everyone a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It is that he must quit working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the venture, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from space, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right Trump Tower Damascus after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by company may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "If You Bomb It, They may Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "in which's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting notice from Global buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even include:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort in which my PTSD may have change-down assistance."


Yet another article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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